For My First Trick

If you met me a year ago and asked me if I’d ever be interested in writing my own blog, I would not be keen on the idea. Not one person has asked me that question. So I have never had to consider it as an option. I find that divulging too much information about oneself is dangerous in this world now. Sharing ones opinion is seen as aggressive and controversial. So a year ago, I would not have been prepared to talk openly to the public about my ideas, I still am not totally okay with the thought of exposing that much of myself. But within the span of one year, I have often felt inspired by others on social media who say what’s on their minds without repercussion or fear of what others might think of them. I find myself encouraging others to do the same.

But I am a hypocrite.

Not once, in all of the years I’ve had Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter have I ever truly been able to feel like I can express myself. So I haven’t. I am clouded with fear. Fear that what I think or say might affect the people I love who have different ideas and opinions. And maybe that’s a flaw of mine. Or maybe it’s self-preservation.

I come from a not-so-typical background. I am LDS. I was raised in a very conservative household all of my years growing up. Then I met a boy who completely changed my life forever. We met when I was 14 years old and he became the most toxic person in my life. I lost all of my friends, became obsessive as well as impulsive, he caused me to lose faith in my religion and myself, he took my virginity at 17, had me drinking heavily and smoking at 18, and had me under his thumb until I was 20. Six years of lies, infidelity, neglect, and emotional abuse taught me a lot about who I was and the person I wanted to become.

It’s been three and a half years, and I still remember being in that position like it was yesterday. I now have an amazing husband who teaches me to become a better person every day, who loves me in spite of my flaws and past mistakes, who cares for me even when I don’t care for myself, and who supports me for who I am and what I believe. I am devout to my faith with the LDS church once again. I also believe there is a huge space in between “black” and “white” where an immense amount of grey is involved. I believe in being good, and I feel strongly about standing up for what you believe. I still make many, many mistakes; “to err is human”, but I also have learned to love myself even with all of the baggage. Who I was and who I am now are not as different from each other as I’d imagine. But because of my experiences, I have grown to love the diversity of the people around me and to appreciate the different opinions of my peers, and I have personally taken it upon myself to benefit from my open-minded point of view to do so.

Many people who know me and who might one day read this would be shocked to know this information. Again, opening up is not my strong suit – it’s frightening to feel exposed to the people you love. You feel naked and alone and – in my case – ashamed to admit some of your opinions. But this is me not being a hypocrite. This is me in the most raw sense. This is me and my blog with my computer and my fingerprints on the keyboard. This is me. And hopefully you’ll get me.