A Letter to a Friend that Never Was

K,

For several reasons, I wanted to speak to you about this in person, but I suppose a letter will have to do.

Let me begin by saying that this letter is in no way shape or form coming from a place of malicious intent. Do not expect to see insults or anger. You will not find that. You might, however, find my personal quest for knowledge and understanding, brutal honesty and sincerity, perhaps some hurt feelings as well, but most of all you will find that what I have to say simply needed to be said. They need to be said because I need to feel closure, I need to forgive you, I need it to help me move on, and I need to say it for personal peace of mind. While there are things that I must address, I don’t claim to be a saint myself. Though, I cannot recall a time where I have ever been rude or mean to you in the years past that I’ve known you, I do not pretend that I have been overly nice or attentive within the last 9 months or so. Within that time, I have said things about you of which I can claim complete ownership. I admit to blame where it is needed. If you feel that I have offended you within these given months, hopefully this letter will also be an explanation or closure for you as to why.

There are a multitude of things that I have wanted to say to you for some time now. I don’t even know where to begin. Perhaps it would be best if I just start before things went sour.

Things were great between us in the beginning, right? You were one of my bridesmaids and I helped quite a bit with your own wedding. We hiked a bunch, went to the City Museum, and you were my workout buddy for months before we included T. That’s when things started to turn bad, I assume.

Let me preface this part by saying that I truly do feel for your loss of friendship with T. I understand, from a 3rd party perspective, how it seemed like I might have been taking her away from you, or how you could obtain an intense level of jealousy, at the very least, from seeing us become friends. This was of course not my intention, and never was.

My (now rhetorical) first question to you is how could you turn on me so suddenly without even confronting me about what was bothering you? Did I not at least deserve your honesty or loyalty? Did you just not expect T and me to get along as well as we did? Was it because you had confided in me so many times about T, and had complained of her to me, that you thought I would always take your side? Or did you assume that when you stopped joining in the Kayla workouts, I would naturally do the same because you weren’t there? If any of these were the reasons behind your sudden disapproval of me, let me assure you; I really liked T. Despite what you may have said about her to me, I thought she was a nice person. I would like to think if someone in your life spoke ill of someone you knew, you wouldn’t immediately assume the worst just because of the negative stories you’ve heard. I’d like to think you could follow your own righteous judgement to see whether or not you feel the same negative way. We each have different thoughts, feelings and opinions, so it’s only natural to assume that we may not get along with certain people more so than others.

For some time now, I have known of your increasing dislike towards me. But believe it or not, I stuck up for you. When T and I began working out together without you, that’s all it was; just working out. Of course we were friendly and we made small chit chat here and there. However, overall the workouts were quiet. We didn’t know each other well enough to talk in detail about anything other than how hard today’s workout would be or was. This went on for some time, with subtle changes in conversation. Maybe something significant or bad happened that particular day, or there was a fun little update about our lives. I’m not sure, but we started talking more. This whole time, I thought everything was fine between you and me. Nothing was amiss. I was completely oblivious to any changes of our friendship. Maybe you felt the same way then too, but I truly don’t know, considering you wouldn’t have communicated the fact either way. It wasn’t until around this time last year (give or take a couple months) that T started to invite me to hang out outside of our exercises. Of course, I agreed. She was fun to hang out with, as you know. Still, even though we were hanging out more, I didn’t think anything was wrong with you and me. I was still visiting you. I brought you things I had purchased for you from Macy’s when you were having a rough day. We still talked. I helped you move into your new house. Things were great. Nothing could have prepared me for what happened after this bubble of peace I was in shattered.

Sooner or later, stuff slowly started coming out. T began to trust and confide in me. She first started venting to me about how you were mean to M and that you didn’t like her and she was asking for advice on what to do about it. I recalled conversations that you shared with me in confidence about your reasons why you didn’t like M, but I kept them to myself. As her trust in me increased throughout time, she told me stories about your history with her. Similar to the stories you told me, but from another perspective. She wasn’t actively complaining, or even dwelling on the past, but was more so being conversational about the topic because she figured you had probably spoken ill of her to me (which you had on two occasions; the first was on our way to visit your family in St. Louis, and the second time was when we were sitting in the car in the parking lot of A and Spencer’s Trebuchet Pumpkin-Throwing contest). I began to see not just your side any more, but both. Of course, I still held reservations. I didn’t know fully who or what to believe, or if maybe both of you were right. But one thing was certain, there’s more between the both of you that was far beyond me or my capabilities to comprehend. You both have been in a feud that started back in college in which I played no part. And it seems that at least one of you is still unable to let it go or forgive. Still, I tried my best to advise. I didn’t know or understand the issues that you both had with each other. I had never had any experiences similar to it. I had no history of friendship-like behavior that resembled what I was hearing; nor did it even really sound like friendship, yet I still tried to help. When T would tell me something about you that wasn’t so pleasant, I would offer another reason or explanation as to why you would have said or done that thing. “Well, maybe she didn’t really know what she was saying?” “What if she just meant it this other way?” “I don’t know, but she doesn’t seem like that kind of person.” – These and so many other phrases were all things I said to stick up for you. Throughout these conversations, T warned that you would “turn on me”. She said, “Just wait, you’ll start to see it too. She puts down M because of my friendship with her, and now that you and I are getting closer, she’ll start to do the same to you.” Despite all I was hearing, I still thought the best of you and I refused to settle for anything but hard evidence to prove otherwise.

Evidence came in the shape of a stream of texts on the day of August 5th, 2015. T had just posted an article about “100 Traits of Toxic People” on Facebook. You blew up her phone and then sent her a screenshot of a snapchat image I had recently made, showing off my new red and blonde hair. The caption of my picture jokingly said, “If I wasn’t hot before, I’m hot now.” You followed up with a text that read, “Speaking of toxic people…”

Ouch.

You know, I wasn’t really even too tremendously offended that you talked about me behind my back. It hurt, don’t get me wrong, but that wasn’t the tipping point for me yet. What offended me was how you must have actually thought that I was toxic; that I was somehow this bad influence on people; that I wasn’t blatantly joking in sending that picture. I was offended deeply by the fact that I had chosen you specifically as a bridesmaid, that you had pretended to call me friend, but yet you couldn’t tell that I was joking. Look, I have obviously gained weight since getting married. Due to a myriad of circumstances, I am not getting any modeling requests anytime soon. But when I had my hair done, I felt actually okay about myself for the first time in a long time. I felt somewhat pretty and a smidgen desirable. Sue me if I decided to flaunt that moment a little. But did I actually think I was hot? No, I’m sad to admit that I’m a little too self-conscious to truly think that about myself. To be perfectly candid, I can’t think back on a time in my entire life where I’ve ever thought myself to be pretty or remarkable in any way, due to a bad history of abusive relationships and eating disorders (thanks mental illness). I won’t even go into great detail about what happened after that. How I felt miserable about myself all over again and was afraid to post anything of myself “looking good” again. How I wondered if maybe I was a vain person, or at the very least, how I needed to make friends with people who actually knew my personality, and not just pretended to. My point is, I had asked for evidence, and you definitely delivered. You lost my respect after that. I wanted so badly to drive straight to your house and march up your door and talk to you right then and right there. But out of respect for T, I didn’t.

While this letter doesn’t have anything to do with T, and mainly focuses on my relationship with you, I feel that it’s necessary to excuse her where it seems needed. See T, against all odds, doesn’t like the idea of someone in the world not being fond of her. That’s a common trait of many people (I’m on that list too). If you and she had not been on speaking terms at that moment, you would have been hearing from me when this happened. That’s the type of person that I am. If I have a problem with someone or something, I go straight to the source of the problem before I go to anyone else. I hate the feeling that I’ve had since that moment; the need to say something to you, but never being able to because it involves more than just me. This matters not, now, considering your friendship with T is over, and therefore I now have nothing in the way of my being able to communicate to you my hurt.

If that were all, however, this letter would be very near pointless. That incident happened so long ago, many people would have moved on by now. Not me, though. What you said about me still hurts to this day. Nevertheless, that is not all I want to address. I am defending now, my own integrity.

It has come to my knowledge that you have said things behind my back that are inexcusable. Some of them are small and insignificant. Others are deplorable and insulting. I trust that you bear with me while I address them.

This first section, I’ll call “Spencer Can Do No Harm: A Memoir”.

Perhaps it is because of your long history and friendship with him that causes you to blame me for our private matters. Or maybe it’s because of the crush he had on you so long ago, that you want to remain in his good favor, I do not know. However, while I commend you on remaining on pleasant terms with Spencer, we both find it quite rude when you insinuate that I am responsible for any bad thing that happens in our own marriage such as these instances as follows:

I have heard you blame me, instead of Spencer, when we are late to FHE, when I have specifically said that Spencer was taking too long to get ready. The question that sticks out in my head is, why on earth would I lie about the reason for being late? Being late to any event is not in anyone’s favor when it occurs, but I have absolutely no problem admitting blame or fault when I deserve it. If it were actually my own fault for being late, what vast difference would it make on my behalf whether I admit to it or to conceal it? Heaven forbid I lose a friendship because I couldn’t find the perfect shoes on my way out the door. Honestly, what would I have to lose? My dignity? My pride? I’m genuinely trying to understand, because you clearly felt strongly enough about our reprehensible late arrival that you needed to change the blame for your own conscience.

I also hear that you have somehow twisted in your mind, the blame where it concerns Spencer’s failure to finish this past semester of school. You seem to think I have absolute omniscient control over everything Spencer does 24/7, so maybe I allowed this behavior. This is interesting and quite humorous to me. From early on in my relationship with Spencer, I haven’t been successful at getting more than 5 worded texts from him in a single day. He has severe communication issues, and if you ask him yourself, he’ll admit to it wholeheartedly. This is not new for us. His addiction to his phone has been a very popular topic in our home from the beginning of our marriage, and I daresay they will continue to be just as popular for many years to come. Opportunities for us to communicate have been greatly affected by the ever-present Galaxy S6 that’s nearly always in his hand. This has been my life for almost 3 years. He has been successful in school all of those years up until now, so the news of his failed semester was a huge shock to me. There was nothing I could have done to change his behavior. I could not have forced him to do his homework just as much as I couldn’t force him to communicate with me in the first place. Perhaps you think you know him best. Perhaps you think I’m doing things wrong. Perhaps you think I’m not a good wife. Perhaps you think I should create a tighter leash for him to follow my every request. Whatever you think, I’m not sure. But what I do think is that you have forgotten that you are not his wife, you have clearly not been a shoulder buddy to me, and you have no reason, right or privilege to point blame in my marriage. This is not to insult. This is to clarify.

Finally, I have heard that both you and A found my desire to own cats, despite the demise of previous ones, to be absurd or stupid because I “cannot keep them alive” and that I am forcing Spencer into getting more. First of all, what we decide to do as a married couple is dependent upon our own discretion and should not be up for debate amongst people who pretend to be our friends. I initially wanted a cat because I felt lonely in my life and was suffering through some severe anxiety – the kind that would make it hard for me to breathe at the prospect of getting up and leaving the house, even for simple purposes. Spencer, my parents, and my close friends encouraged me to seek a therapist, but I decided to try getting a cat first, as it would be less expensive and I wanted one anyways. Spencer had reservations about getting a cat only because his mother was/is allergic and because he wasn’t sure if he would even like cats. He relented, though, when he saw how extreme my anxiety had developed, when one day I immediately broke down in tears upon arriving home from work. His feelings on cats swiftly changed when he realized that not all cats were mean, and that the perception he had of cats was of his own making. I am not ashamed by any means to admit that I practically begged him to allow me to get a cat. If anything, that decision is one of which I am truly proud. Up until that point, that was the only thing I had ever asked of him in our marriage. When Rose passed away, my anxiety came stronger than ever. It was a happy accident that friends from our ward happened to have been looking for a home for Bug and Pig, free of charge. The idea of separating them was devastating to the both of us, to say the least. And I reassured Spencer before taking them home in a box, that I would not get them if he himself did not first approve of them. He never regretted that decision. When Bug passed away, Pig was insufferable. He was following me around the house non stop, clawing at my legs to carry him around. I couldn’t even change my clothes, otherwise he would claw up my back just for me to hold him. Furthermore, he wouldn’t let us sleep. I spent a few nights abandoning Spencer just to sleep in our spare room with Pig so he didn’t meow at our door relentlessly throughout the night. This behavior went on for days until he had an appointment with the vet. I asked my vet what I should do and she said, “You have to get him a sibling and playmate now. Don’t wait; the sooner the better.” So, even though it wasn’t our plan to get another cat, that’s what we did. That’s all I could do to keep Pig from being obnoxious. And if you need further proof that I did not force Spencer to getting another cat, I’ll enlighten you; when we were at the Humane Society picking up Daisy a few days later, we had found another kitten that we were thinking of taking home. We brought them both with us to a room to consider which one to adopt and Spencer had actually suggested that we get them both. I said no, that 3 cats were far too many, and that we just needed one to keep Pig company. So “forcing” Spencer to get cats that we stupidly couldn’t keep alive is a pretty insulting assumption to make, especially if you had never bothered to ask us yourselves from the get go. As for my inability to “keep them alive”, let me remind you of the exact circumstances of their deaths, and ponder on if I was truly responsible, or if it were simply tragic accidents. Our first cat, Rose, died while I was at work. I came home at around 10pm to find the door to our apartment wide open and the lights off. Spencer was not home and Rose was nowhere to be found. Spencer was not answering his phone. I searched in bushes, in trees, under cars, and in trash for an hour crying my eyes out. When Spencer got home, he explained that he was careless and accidentally forgot to close the door behind him because he was distracted. He had left to go to the store. We continued to search together for another hour. He was the one who found Rose’s mangled body on the side of the street and carried her to me, where I fell on my hands and knees, screaming in horror and despair. Bug died while I was once again at work. I came home around 10pm again to only one purring kitten welcoming me at the door. I knew something was off by the look on Spencer’s face. It took him a while to spit it out, but he finally did. He had given Bug and Pig baths and laid them on our electric heater to keep them warm while they dried off together. This used to be their favorite spot. But then Spencer was distracted by a television show when Bug had chewed through the heater’s cord. It electrocuted him and shut off the power in the entire house – upstairs and downstairs. The effect was immediate. Bug was instantly dead. Thankfully, I didn’t have to look at his body. As for Pig’s broken leg, I was once again at work when I received a call from Spencer. He said he was playing with Pig and a new toy that we had just purchased. Pig had jumped from the couch toward the coffee table and didn’t quite miss all of it. It clipped him in the leg and broke it. We are now nearly $3,000 in debt for vet bills just to keep him alive without pain. And through all of this, I still don’t blame Spencer for the bad things that have happened, even though between us, he feels most of the responsibility.

That concludes the portion about your belief in Spencer’s “absolute perfection”.

Something needs to be addressed as far as situations that have happened recently between you and T. Assuming that you deleted me from social media because you thought I was amongst those who perpetuated the idea that you were copying her posts, allow me to ease your conscience. I have never once come to T about anything that you have posted, and I never pointed out similarities between your pictures. That is not to say that I wouldn’t have. Perhaps if I had seen it first, I would have done it myself. But this is not the case. From what I understand, T has been receiving comments for months, from people I don’t even know, about your posts being eerily similar to each other. I don’t know why you would continue to believe I had anything to do with that after she already told you who was responsible, but whatever the case may be, I was not involved.

This is where I could point out obvious flaws in our friendship that I noticed early on that were clear indicators of your aptitude for poorly-made behavioral choices, but I feel that I have made my point and could have nothing more to say to you that might encourage a change within your character. I don’t say this to sound harsh or critical, but to provide a true account from someone remotely involved in the situation in which you belong. If you find yourself offended by my statements, I beg your forgiveness. It is my intention to be as open and honest with you, as you were not with me. Hopefully this proves to you that it isn’t just T or her friends “making things up,” but that it runs much deeper than trivial matters.

Allow me to take this moment to say that I had no intentions of standing in the way of your friendship with T. If it had not been for your back-talking and insults directed at me, I would have had no reason to indulge in any conversation that put you in a negative light. That does not negate my behavior, but I hope it does at least explain it. I truly do feel bad that you and T are no longer friends, but I can’t very well say that I’m surprised after hearing so much hurt from both ends. I know it may seem like many people are ganging up on you, but your jealousy and insecurities are what inevitably brought you this conclusion, and therefore, my relationship with T to grow stronger. You would still be a part of that friendship now, had you only been more willing to communicate your feelings of insecurities to the person(s) responsible. Furthermore, it was you who decided to take the plunge and remove so many friends from social media. You can try to blame T, or me, or M, or whomever you want, but the choice was inevitably yours and yours alone. While you may have felt initially hurt, I believe it was of your own undoing. I hope for your sake in future friendships that you will think better of your habits. And I hope for your happiness, that you find more deserving people who understand the kind of friend you require.

While I might not be able to understand why you have something against me, I feel I have reason enough to use my righteous judgement and rid myself of what once was a desired friendship with you. I think given my reasons stated above, you have little to say to argue. To be fair, I doubt I could be a very good friend to you in return. We both deserve better friends, and I would not be willing to try to recreate something between us that was never truly real in the first place.

As for Spencer, I have told him that I don’t mind if he continues to be on friendly terms with you, should he choose. Though, it would make for an awkward gathering should we ever be in the same room, I have no desire to tell him what to do with his life or who he should choose as friends. I have only asked him that he not willingly put me in a situation where I have to forcibly be friendly with you, and that he should be respectful of my history regarding you. I cannot speak for him, but from what I gather of our private conversations, he does not seem to appreciate your friendship as much as he once did and he finds it odd that you so recently decided to add him as a friend on more than just Facebook, suspiciously after you chose to remove me. This doesn’t mean he won’t be friends with you; that decision, I cannot guess. What he does now, or how he treats you is entirely up to him, and I have not persuaded him one way or another. I have merely told him the truth of what I have seen and heard. From there, he can make up his own mind.

Should you choose to offer me an explanation for any of the things I stated above, I would be willing to look through your perspective. I wanted to give you an opportunity in person to address these issues, but it seems unreasonable now. If you decide to ignore the points I have made, I would accept that as well. I am content knowing that I did all I could to provide for you an explanation for your loss of my friendship and my hopes that you will use the information I provided to initiate a change of heart.

Though it may not seem apparent, I truly do wish you happiness and good health to you and your family. I pray no trial or difficulties too demanding find your door.

Sincerely,

Me